17 Comments
User's avatar
Hannah Andrews's avatar

So beautiful Janell. I don't even know where to start... the comparisons of the garden and art and writing. Your grandmothers voice, the church... I want pages and pages. I want to swim in your beautiful writing.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Ah, Hannah! Thank you so much!

I’ve decided to put a few of the pieces of memoir that are not making it into my memoir out on my Substack. Today’s writer is a combination of my morning pages and some of that memoir.

Expand full comment
Gwendolyn Allen's avatar

I love you, Janell.

It was a special time for me when I was able to spend time with you and Linda in Minnesota. I do not have the ability, as you do to put my feelings into words.

Your reflections resonated with me deeply and made me think about my own grief with my son’s passing. It makes me sad to think about the slipping of memories. I’ve numbed my pain for the last three years and am coming out of that now. I’m starting to be able to feel again. In some ways I feel that the numbing contributes towards the slipping of memories but is also a way of self preservation. I haven’t dared to let my mind experience the grief and pain of his loss. I don’t want to feel the guilt and shame or the only ifs. The rationale part of my brain knows that feeling my feelings will lead to a healthier place.

I’ve always been really great at boxing up my emotions. It’s not always healthy or good. I’m slowly coming out of the fog and finding that I can cry again.

Crying feels good.

I remember when Nathan passed away that Aunt Linda was so compassionate. She wanted to help financially and contribute towards his go fund me. It meant a lot to me that she would be willing to help like she did. And what I didn’t know until later is she was having some health issues and shortly thereafter found out she herself had aggressive cancer.

I felt a bond with her after that, as we weren’t really that close before. It is one of the reasons I wanted to go spend time with her, helping her in her last days. I’m grateful for that time. Before she died, she shared some of her deep pain with me. Some things that she shared confused me and shattered through some of my identity of being a Gregory. It was uncomfortable to hear, but I felt she needed to share it. And hearing her share her pain, helped me to understand Aunt Linda better. I think she lived with a lot of deep hurt and that makes me sad for her.

I’m not sorry that she shared those things with me. In some ways I think it helped me humanize grandma and grandpa in a good way. It made them more relatable to my own story. This also helped me understand my dad a little bit more and have more compassion for some things of the past.

In many ways, the time in Minnesota holds special memories for me, including getting some special time with Kyler.

I also enjoyed getting to spend time with you, and with Thomas and recall fondly the time Thomas and I had to get the bat out of the house. 🤣 I don’t think you were there when that happened, but Linda got a kick out of it too.

Also the time you made some beautiful breakfast creations. And some of the talks we had.

I hope you’re doing well, Janell. I hope we connect again one of these days soon.

I think of you often and I love you dearly.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Gwen, I know I replied by text, but I wanted to reply here too. I had told you that I was was thinking about grief but I was too tired to write about it. And sometimes that is the way of grief, like just trying to crawl in bed and sleeping through it.

I cannot imagine a mother’s pain at the loss of her child. My son came close once and I could not even breathe.

This Thanksgiving I wished with all my heart that Linda (my birth mother for those not in the know) could be with us sharing our meal. I had told content myself with some of her dishes and the memory of Thanksgivings past where we set the table together and planned what cranberry sauce she would make and which turkey recipe I would use.

Expand full comment
n.osullivan MIKE O'SULLIVAN's avatar

This is beautiful, Janell. My relationships with my birth parents (I was not adopted) were punctuated with gaps of silence, hurt, and surfaces skimmed with small talk. This reached me. Thanks

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you!

Expand full comment
Jeniffer Thompson's avatar

Lovely, Janell! Your words are filled with so much poetry.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you, Jeniffer!

Expand full comment
Dave Kettler's avatar

So nice Janell. Thanks for the memories of your mom. I very much remember her sweet smile and loving demeanor. I love how your thoughts and feelings so eloquently transfer into words.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you so much, Dave!

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you, David.

Expand full comment
Tracy J Jones's avatar

So freakin' powerful.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you, Tracy!

Expand full comment
Rachielle Sheffler's avatar

I see you in her too, the same lilt in your mouth when you smile. Lovely remembrance.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you, Rachielle.

Expand full comment
Laura L. Engel's avatar

You write so well, Janell. As always, your work takes me to so many places. I feel your sorrow and remember my own. I feel your confusion and wonder about mine. You have a gift and I know it is entirely yours, but I am so glad you knew Linda and realize she is still inside of you. Thank you again for your important and beautiful words.

Expand full comment
Janell Strube's avatar

Thank you so much, Laura. I know this was part of my struggle last week.

Expand full comment